“What you risk reveals what you value.”
– Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body
It has been a long, hard year. A year of struggles with the constant reminder that Forgiveness is important not for the perpetrator, but really, for my own sanity and peace of mind.
In a warped sense of Logic, the person who hurts my family the most gets to eat the largest piece of the cake(s) AND gets to start all over again when I am left with the burden and responsibilities of all the mess he has created out of his greed and selfishness. I must be blessed with the most forgiving parents and siblings in the world. They sleep well every night despite what they had to go through. I was the only one who refused to let go of the possibilities of legalities and governance. But still, my parents told me to let it go.
On hindsight, there is no need for forgiveness because the perpetrator never thought he did any wrong to anyone anyway. The ability to purge toxic relations is most important for my peace of mind because when I delete memories off my mind, the heart gets to heal a little bit by bit.
My life is always better once I come to terms with the demons that grew bigger whenever I have to face people who repulse me for all sort of reasons. In my own little ways, I get back. Trust me, I am that good that these people don’t even know what i have done to them.
I hurt you a little to get back at you.That, is how I forgive. But because I possibly have too much of a conscience, I hurt you without your knowledge.
I am thankful for 2014, regardless. Of the pain and struggles, good things still came to me because the Universe did conspire to bring what my heart desires nearer to my sphere of awareness. I am always thankful for the possibilities my employer gave me in pursuing my master programme. Through this programme, i met a bunch of really endearing mates. These folks gave me a chance to serve them and little did i know, I was able to do whatever little i could, as best i could. Maybe I just really need to be tasked, to feel useful.
Thank you, Universe, for always giving me a second chance to be a better person. I will always remember to not let the Little People rob me of my joy.